Catchy Title

I sit here at the Starbucks, and I write. And delete. And rewrite. And erase. And write again. The pressure is on. In order for AdSense to approve this website, the same as www.thedirtyvegan.blogspot.com, I must provide new content. They want to see me blog again. AdSense isn't the only one; a lot of you have been asking. You want blog posts and books. I get it.

For me, I have to feel inspired before I do anything, or feel it in my heart o' hearts... otherwise, what is the point? I can blog just to blog. I can take some of the countless sponsorships that come into my e-mail, on the daily, write posts and push products on social media, but where's the heart in that? Where is the soul in it? Where in it does it make my spirit soar? You and I both know the answer to that. So instead of selling out, I went quiet for a while, to figure things out.

Not only has 2023 been a year of healing and self discovery for me, it has also been a time period for really focusing on my purpose. I am one of the lucky ones who knows exactly what I have been called to do. Now, I don't always listen... but I do know. I've always been deep too. When I was a child, I would sit in the doorway and look outside, for hours, just reflecting on life. I spoke to someone today who is decades older than me, who still does not know their purpose... and is still searching for it. Desperately. So that's why I say I am a lucky one... although it doesn't always feel that way. The pressure.

Last winter, after dealing with a lifetime of trauma and hardships, I fell to my knees and gave it all to God. I just couldn't do it alone anymore, and I certainly knew that I could no longer control it. My life... I gave it over. Handed it away to a higher power. To the Universe. As if it were ever mine to begin with. Laughable, right? And in that changing of the guard, with that relinquishment of control, with that pathetic surrender (yes, it was as pathetic as they come - you wouldn't have wanted to be a fly on my wall, but just ask the FBI agent in my devices who watched me sob to romcoms and eat way too much junk food for an extended period of time), came a trust. A solid belief that no matter what, everything will be okay - even though I didn't know how, and I definitely couldn't see it.

Then it hit me... like a ton of bricks. To be of service. Which I already knew. My entire life has been me feeling like an old soul; knowing what to do... putting others first and helping people with absolutely no expectations for anything in return. In my sorority (yes, I'm forever a Delta Pi), my favorite thing to do was philanthropy and the same with my pinup group, the Bombshell Betties. I became an activist, wrote the blog for 7 years before getting my first book deal, had the vegan bakery, wrote articles for websites like OneGreenPlanet and Care2 (Causes), wrote 4 books - all for the animals, the environment, and as I got wiser, the people too. But this time was different. I fell off and a higher power was letting that be known. They knew, that I knew, that they knew, that I fell off.

The pandemic kinda hit me hard. As a social butterfly type of person (Leo sun, Sagittarius moon, Sagittarius rising), I am just a fire ball of fun. And I had my social life and my social schedule on lock. So even though my personal life was meh, my days were packed with friendship, appointments, outings, obligations, events, parties, work (so much work), you name it. Professionally, I was thriving prior to the pandemic. Things were going well with my cookbooks and social media. Mood was up. I was on podcasts all the time, doing interviews for newspapers, magazines, covering comic-cons, and other fun stuff like being on radio shows all the time (my favorite is the Howard Stern of the UK, James Whale, love being a guest on his show). I had so many opportunities lined up for travel and collabs too, and my social media posts were going viral left and right. Things in the world were going a lot better. So, as with many others, the pandemic derailed my whole existence when it occurred. It took from me my social life, which I reflect upon now, was something that I clung to as I was avoiding dealing with a hellish love life. Leos love hard, too hard, which means we inevitably hurt hard as well.

What did I do now that book signings, events, parties, and basically the world was cancelled and shut down? I worked. I wrote another book. And what was the most fun type of creative project for me, turned into such a daunting task with weird business hours, closures, rules, regulations, and masks. But I focused on writing that book and deadlines to avoid thinking about the pandemic and how it was affecting me emotionally.

Suddenly, my creative spark was gone. Between the chaos that ensued in the world and my life that felt like it was going downhill, I simply felt numb. Nothing. Zero. Nada. Not a thing... about anything. I proceeded with my perfectionism (which in my healing process I found out is a trauma response), and I set myself apart from everyone I know as this perfect person. Guess when that all crumbled to the ground? Beginning last winter when I began to give away all control and started to heal. That's when you realize you can no longer keep up with the show. You physically cannot; you become unable. Some days are super productive, while others I try to congratulate myself for getting out of bed. Trying to always stay optimistic...

During this time period, I was really searching for how I can use my purpose, my calling, in the best way possible and to do the most good. Like, selfless good. So I did what any logical person going through a mental break would do: I started a church. Don't laugh... it lasted 4 hours. Now you can laugh.

Then I went into a depression about how and why my 4 hour church just wouldn't work out. In that devastation, it came to me like a glorious epiphany. I knew exactly what I needed to do. Not just that, but I began getting creative downloads, if you will, and the idea kept expanding.

The following months I spent learning various areas. Without giving too much away until my official YouTube channel launch, I learned about filming, editing, lighting, analytics, business, costume design, set design, just so many things. Heck, I even learned how to perform using a transatlantic accent... you know, just in case. I needed to get in shape for filming too, so I transformed my appearance (I changed my lifestyle, got trainers and took up boxing) all while restoring a 1964 Ford Thunderbird named Birdy White (don't worry this will ALL make perfect sense once I start posting Youtube videos).

So now it's time. Time for you to see exactly what I've been up to this year. Until I can start receiving income from Youtube, which takes times and growth, I am putting ads on this website as well, to accompany weekly blog posts and vegan recipes.

Listen, I've said too much already. Besides, I'm getting tired of talking. You are probably tired of listening. Hopefully this is the post that gets my AdSense re-approved and I'll be back in business. Yep, (along with regular blog posts) you get to see my face and hear my voice twice per week. Mondays will be my sponsored show and Fridays will be a vlog. Oh yes, you get to be a part of my ridiculous and chaotic life. Buckle up for the ride.

And for now, the Dirty Vegan is signing off. Catchy parting phrase.