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Last night I had a dream that I was back in the 80s...




Last night I had a dream that I was back in the 80s. The 80s... what a pretty cool time. I was born and I was little, during that time. My parents were happy and cool. So were my aunts and uncles, at the time. Everything seemed like a party. There was a lot of cakes and cupcakes, that was like a thing back then. Commercials were really fun to watch. The cartoons were on point. I could play outside alone without risk of getting kidnapped. Heck, nowadays I'm afraid to be out alone sometimes. But I do still play outside and I love the swing-set. Don't judge me for still being a big kid. I'll never let go of it. Ever.


The 80s had really good music too. The first time reality set in that I missed that time, was watching Cobra Kai and seeing Johnny Lawrence do his thing. I was like, "wow, I miss this time." I felt what he was feeling. How much everything sucks now. Speaking of Karate Kid stuff, in my youth I thought Johnny was the villain but now in my grownup mind I know it was Daniel LaRusso that was the two-timing jerk. He came into a new town with a chip on his shoulder, stole some dude's girl, then proceeded to fight with him constantly. He also was a bully then and into adulthood ultimately raising spoiled bully kids of his own that carried on his legacy. And the tool bag award goes to...


Let's get back to how cool the 80s were. My father looked like a freaking rockstar. Skinny, long hair, never buttoned his shirts, sometimes with the sweatband on his head. My dad is a sweet Sicilian and Italian man who is just the best human being ever. He is cool and strong, kinda like a cowboy, but also so deeply sensitive. He drinks whiskey, talks about life, then cries. Now you see where I get it from. He likes to talk about feelings and makes everyone feel better. All my friends love him and he's like their father too. Everyone I've ever known can go to my dad with problems, or just talk about anything and everything from conspiracies to analyzing song lyrics; still vulnerable and optimistic even after life tried to harden him so many times. I love to sit around the fire pit and get drunk with my dad, it's hilarious. My mom is tough and ruthless. I'm definitely more like my dad, and my brother is like my mom. Hands down. Those two are like pitbulls... just who you need when something goes down, however. Plus, they'll do anything for you and have big hearts, but in an attack way; hard to explain.


In the 80s my mom's hair was big and she made sure to give my brother and I all of the 1980s experiences that she possibly could. We were tv kids, mostly. Raised on Nickelodeon and we drank way too many Kool-aid Kool Bursts. Suck it, Mandela Effect. If you know, you know. My mom did a lot with jello and the frosting that had little candies in it. In fact, the only fruit I ever ate, was candy. Like these little gummy fruit snacks that had juice in the middle. I think they were called Gushers. A whole lotta McDonald's too. My mom would turn to me, smile, and ask, "Do you want a happy meal, honey?" Of course I want a f*cking happy meal, I'm one existential crisis away from going really high on the swings and jumping off head first. Did you even have to ask, Ma?


During this time, there was a lot of romance happening. That was a really big deal back in the day. Patrick Swayze was involved. I just remember thinking it was gross. Everything about it was really cringe and annoying. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. My friends would play wedding and make their Barbies fall in love, and I just wanted to climb stuff (I used to get hurt a lot). Now, as an adult, I wish we saw more of it. It was important then and now love seems like a lot less of an importance these days. Still kinda gross though, not gonna lie.


In the 90s I started reading Goosebumps books and became a real creep. I got into these other books too, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. I would go around scaring people by retelling the stories in a very dramatic, cinematic even, way. I'm a Leo, what did you expect? Then I got into pranks. Back in the 80s and 90s, you didn't record everything and post it online. Your memories were yours, and you had to tell them to other people, verbally. So I would plan out big, elaborate pranks, carry them out, and people would talk about them. I was known for it; my friends and family would say things like, "Did you hear about that time Katie did xyz prank?' My favorite of all 90s pranks was the old cling wrap on the toilet seat prank. The trick is to lift the seat up and get a really tight fit with the cling wrap. Use tape if you have to. Then put the seat down over the cling wrap; it looks invisible. When my mom sat down on the toilet in the middle of the night, with just the nightlight on in the bathroom, she peed all over herself. I'm giggling as I type this. Yeah, I did get in a lot of trouble. I used to run into rooms with ketchup all over my hands, screaming that I was cut. No wonder my parents wanted me out of the house so bad. I don't think I was good for their health.


That's the product of an 80s and 90s kid. I grew up on The Ren & Stimpy Show and little to no supervision. What did my parents expect? They had it good with the pranks; I could have turned out much worse. I didn't end up with my first crush, Powdered Toast Man... because he's a cartoon. I liked his butt. It only got worse with MTV. I became corrupted I tell ya, but just a tad bit.


Anyways, this all came about because of a dream. Last night I dreamt I was back in the 80s. Everything in the dream looked the same, lots of wood (oak to be exact) and girly wallpaper. Really girly everything, frills everywhere. A lot of pink too. The men didn't seem to care; they let the women do their thing. It was a better time. I woke up and I was back here. Sigh. It was nice to go back, even if it was just in my dreams.


And for now, the Dirty Vegan is signing off. Go tease your hair, pop your collar, and blast some Van Halen today - you deserve it.

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