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Science Reports that Stanley Cups are Disgusting! Yes, I fn Knew it!



Yeah, you've seen it too. These Stanley Cup users walking around like hot sh*t - as if they could ever compete with the Ugg army who wore North Face jackets and never drank water at all. Yep, back then it was Diet Coke, coffee, Red Bull, or nothin'. Hot, dehydrated queens, they were. Now, these Stanley cup people are getting so ridiculous. It's a little embarrassing, even. Like, I have second hand embarrassment about these cups.


Personally, I'm a YETI user. All YETI everything. Not sponsored by the way, but I wish a b*tch would - where you at YETI?


I actually don't care about the Stanley cup people. I just thought I'd enter into the corporate writing machine, er I mean, world. Ah, yes. "They" gave me a tag, and here I so graciously oblige. brains, I need brains, must eat brains


So without further ado, the man says today's topic is germs...


As the New Year is getting kicked off to a ceremonious start, and a chilly one if you happen to live in New England like me (oh, don't worry they already know where I live, they send me mail), we are all desperate for a deep clean in our lives. They told me to say that. Other than regular cleaning in the home, there are germs hiding in places you would never imagine them to be. Live in fear people, that's what "they" want. I'm gonna go missing aren't I? HAHAHA...take me someplace warm at least.


Besides the typical gross places like toilet seats and your girlfriend after she's been grinding on other men all night at the club behind your back (oh, yeah - they are not all old-fashioned gals like me... surprise!), there are less obvious places where bacteria may be a-lurkin'. Am I gonna need a lawyer after this post? Probably. Most likely. Oh, wait. Note: this is satire. Ok, I'm covered. Moving on...


Did you know? In a recent survey of 2,250 Brits completed by Hillary’s it was found that two in five Brits only clean their homes once a YEAR, with almost half of respondents claiming the house gets dirty too soon after cleaning anyway. Ewww, that's kinda yucky actually. Maybe this article will be interesting after all. Let's know more...


London rubbish removal company, Clear It Waste, has so generously and selflessly without any ulterior motive whatsoever (being satirical again, if you couldn't tell) sought to discover which popular kitchen items are the filthiest, and gave their expertise on the best ways to clean your kitchen like a freaking pro. You want a clean counter, you better clean, b*tch!


And because inquiring minds are aching to know this information (not worrying about poverty, world hunger, or other more serious issues at hand - this is of vital importance), here are:


5 unexpected kitchen items that are a breeding ground for bacteria (and a major problem) & 5 simple solutions on how not to be a trash human being

 

1. Reusable Water Bottle

Yep, those disgusting Stanley cups that make you look like a giant douche bag when you carry one, are massive germ carriers. Since people like looking like walking billboards these days, is it any surprise that the global searches for this pretentious item increased by 70% in the last month alone, following the internet fad of the Stanley cup loved by Gen Z? Ah, Gen Z... that explains everything. This goofy, ‘emotional support’ product even amassed over 6.8 billion views on TikTok, but they can be a breeding ground for harmful bacterias. Ah, and TikTok is involved in this... I should have known.


I feel like Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes except he has a bodyguard and I don't have any security at all. That's a huge understatement, I have Jesus. Divinely protected, so I get to be funny and joke around.


A recent study found that the average reusable water bottle contains 40,000 times more bacteria than a toilet seat. Even more troubling, only a quarter of users washed their water bottles only a few times a week, with nearly one in five cleaning them only a few times a month. That is so vile. Just clean your stuff, how is that so hard? Clear It Waste reports that bacteria such as E. coli, Klebsiella and mold can accumulate in your eco-friendly water bottle, leading to gastrointestinal illnesses, urine infections or even pneumonia. That's why Gen Z is all messed up, allegedly.


Solution: Don't be dirty. Put your phone down for two seconds and just wash your dishes, my goodness! I mean, make sure to clean your water bottle with warm water and dish liquid after each use. Also, you can soak it overnight in a half vinegar, half water solution, if needed.


2. Coffee Maker

Don't you dare ruin coffee for me! If this article doesn't lead to me getting a writing gig at SNL, then I suck as a comedy writer. Mold and yeast (wait what?) love to grow in your favorite Nespresso machines (bro, "they said to mention them by name, but even I won't dog on Nespresso, maybe Keurig, but not the fine people at Nespresso - this wasn't my idea Nespresso, I swear!), and this can be one of the dirtiest parts of your kitchen if not cleaned correctly. The water reservoirs and coffee pots can accumulate bacteria, as the organisms like to grow in moist and damp areas -  which can't be great for allergies, and might even cause infections.


Solution: Clear It Waste advice the best way to free your coffee maker of germs is to regularly clean the appliance every 1-2 weeks, and then every month to use a deep cleaner for the water reservoir, or water and vinegar based solution, and let this soak for about 15-30 minutes. Scrub if necessary, and then rinse this thoroughly before air drying (run a water-only cycle to completely get rid of the vinegar if needed). Again, be a hygienic person. I am honestly floored by how gross people are. This is definitely why I look half my age, because I care for myself and my belongings properly.


Once again, moving on. How did you make it down this far? Why are you still here reading this? Why? Also, marry me.


3. Chopping boards

Common sense right? You are preparing dead animals on a piece of porous material, what did you think was gonna happen? The germ fairy was going to clean up after you? No, that doesn't happen. Be vegan or wash your stuff properly, is what I recommend, but what do I know? I only have a certification in vegan nutrition where I can legally give advice to you and your medical physician about plant-based dieting, make you a meal plan based on your goals, and can charge you for my time (and I've written four best-selling holistic cookbooks too). You don't necessarily have to listen to the likes of me. Listen to these guys... the scientists! Reports have found that chopping boards can also harbor 200 times more faecal bacteria than your toilet seat. Bacteria such as E. coli (which can cause stomach pain), Salmonella (which can cause diarrhoea, fever and nausea) and Campylobacter (which can cause diarrhoea) can easily spread here from unwashed vegetables, raw meat and poultry. 


Solution: To clean your chopping board efficiently, Clear It Waste recommends scrubbing with hot, soapy water, as well as using disinfectant for an extra layer of protection - such as white vinegar or a food-safe disinfectant. Avoid using wooden boards and separate chopping boards for meat and poultry to prevent cross contamination. Or just avoid meat and animal products.


4. Salt and Pepper 

Salt-N-Pepa's here! Oh, wait, this isn't a list of the best female hip hop and r&b groups of all time? I gotta talk about germs. Right. Back to it! Your salt and pepper shakers, along with any spice jars, are also likely to contain E. coli bacteria - yet it’s not something we often think of cleaning (actually I do, I clean everything. I'm also a germophobe, just like my friend Howie. I'm not kidding, he and I are friends and I have receipts. One of my biggest accomplishments in life is the sheer amount of celebrity friends that I've made and who also follow my social media accounts - gotta catch em' all!). A study completed by the University of Virginia also found that out of 30 adults who were showing signs of a cold, every single salt and pepper shaker they’d touched the previous day tested positive for cold viruses, compared to just 41% of the surfaces tested. This statistic seems fake, not gonna lie.


Solution: Clear It Waste says that the best protection against these germs is to wash your hands before and after reaching for seasoning, and to give your salt and pepper shakers a wipe when wiping down tables and surfaces. You can also use cotton swabs and white vinegar for a deeper clean.


5. Knife Block

I'm so glad I added some humor to this article, because this is brutal. So, they want me to ask you if you've ever cleaned out your knife block? Ok, well - throw it out and buy a new one because how the hell do you clean inside of a knife block?? Not only can residue moisture from your knives help mold grow if not cleaned and dried correctly, residue microbes such as Salmonella, E. coli and yeast can also be hiding in those knife slots. A study from the National Sanitation Foundation also found knife blocks to be one of the most contaminated kitchen items, potentially leading to a lot of unpleasant symptoms if an infection is caught.


Solution: Clear It Waste recommends making sure knives are completely dry before sliding back (hehehe, sliding back, hehe) into the holders to prevent any excess moisture build up, whilst giving it a thorough clean every once in a while with warm water and soap. Oh, see - Clear It Waste coming through with the solutions. Right on.


If you like the helpfulness of London-based Clear It Waste and want to know more about them or use their services, you can check them out here: https://www.clearitwaste.co.uk

And for now, the Dirty Vegan is signing off. SNL here I come; I'm blowing this popsicle stand!


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